Once the paper’s crumpled up it can’t be perfect again


The worst part about waking up from an emotional dream about my daddy is trying to walk away from it throughout the day.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been so broken I’m never going to be okay or normal again. That I’m always going to be this defeated up little girl that doesn’t know how to function correctly. Like my arms are legs and my legs are elbows and I’m trying to ever- so-carefully balance myself so no one can see I’m about to fall.

Obviously I had a dad dream again last night. It was my least favorite kind. We all thought he was passed away but I found out he wasn’t. He just lost his cell phone for a year and was working at a convalescent home feeding people. We laughed and poked fun and I was relieved he was alive and well after all.

My least dreams, where I find security and comfort in knowing it all wasn’t real… to then wake up and get slapped with reality.
The sting of the slap lingers for the day and I don’t know how to function. My skin feels uncomfortable, I want to cry but I can’t. I just walk forward trying not to acknowledge it because if I let the flood gates open just a little I’m afraid all Hell will break free and I’ll never be able to keep it together.

I think something broke inside me that day but I don’t know what. But I feel like a car missing a spark plug: functioning but dangerous and rough.

I wish I could be a penpal to heaven.
So I can write to dad and tell him all the things. Things I’m doing… things I don’t know if are right or wrong… things about the house… questions about his life. I also wish I didn’t wish and could just properly carry on.


About Brunch At Tiffany's

Self proclaimed pickle connoisseur, advid anime binger, doused in otaku culture, obsessed with Japan. Mother to one cat, four bunnies. I love to cook, eat and primarily nap. When not catching a beauty wink, and away from the tube I'll keep you updated on senpai. Writer, photographer, traveler, linguist, heartbroken human trying to fill in the void...

2 responses »

  1. The longer I live my life I wonder how some old people are still happy to be living. We go through so much crap in our lives that we’re continually broken down mentally and physically. It really makes you want to hold on to what you have here and now.

    And it makes me want to cook food. It’s been a while, come over for dinner! *hug*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s