Cavernous

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May 11, 2014 was the last day I felt alive…
Later that day I found out the first man to love me, to hold me, to buy me my first scooter; bicycle, to bring me fishing, four-wheeling, mudding, and given me his last name…had passed away.

My daddy was gone.

Life turned into a kaleidoscope of emotions and pain ever since. And 3 months and 20 days has felt like a naked walk lost and confused on the Sahara.

Autodrive is what gets me through my days but the smoke is still in the engine clogging and making it sputter. Over time this should clear up…allegedly.

There are so many things I want to express, so many things I want to say and promise and fulfill but it’d be irrelevant to anyone who doesn’t live in my head. But the nonsense is radical and confusing at most.

So now my Noni who has been plagued with dementia and Alzheimer’s for over half a decade is in the hospital. She’s 82 and adorable and is an oasis to the center of my mother’s family. Things don’t look bleak but I can’t help to consider the obvious and what kind of effect it would have on the peanut of sanity I have left.

I try to escape and temporary distractions feel like ice to a burn, soothing and pleasant. But what amount of work or play will fill in these holes that have cut deep into my belly?

I don’t want sympathy or pity, honestly I don’t care if you pray for me or not. I just want to exhale the thoughts that have sat stagnant on my chest to make room for a new load.

I want my Noni to be healthy and be able to talk and share stories about how she learned to sew. Why she did what she did and didn’t do what she didn’t do. I want to show her the antique sewing machines I got and have her teach me how to properly oil and care for them.

I want her to be proud of her great grandchild for graduating high school and getting his license. I think about the last visit I remember having before her mental health went south. I was such a brat as usual, but it’d eat all the soup she offered me if I could go back. Noni’s house was always fun growing up and the memories I have are warmer in my heart than if I try and show them to the world; you just wouldn’t appreciate or understand.

In a way it’s like she’s been gone for a long time to me. It’s hard for me to visit her the way she is now. I prefer to remember her in front of her makeup mirror, or on her couch with quilting projects about, or cooking. It hurts to see her in the convalescent pool of crazies; she doesn’t belong.

I don’t know how I’ve made it through each day but sometimes there’s a glimmer of, not hope, but anxiousness to keep moving. Maybe not forward but to keep moving.

I’ve gotten melancholy in my blood and it’s been comfortable there for the past month. It’s the safest I’ve felt in ages. I want to stay docked here for a while…

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About Brunch At Tiffs

I love to write, read, crochet, thrift and reinvent. My hands make delicious concoctions and I love a good spur of the moment recipe. My life goal is to be a missionary for Japan. Oh yea and, Bunnies!...that is all...

3 responses »

  1. I couldn’t have described these past few months better myself. Your choice of words, cavernous, melancholy are beyond fitting. Allegedly, it will “get easier”. I disagree. I’m pretty sure the sadness, the void and the heartache will continue for the rest of our days on Earth.
    The situation with Noni is beyond my human capacity right now. All that I can do is continue to ask God for just a little more time. I know that sounds selfish but I’ve already experienced such an enormous loss without being able to say goodbye, give one last kiss, or say “I love you” just one last time. That’s all I’m hoping for at this point. Just a small amount of mercy to allow for my selfish need for one last encounter.

  2. Talking and sharing as the elder in the family……..we all have to remember as Christian women to have FAITH and remember all that we have loved here on this Earth as humans in flesh will go to a better place and be with our real Father. I have seen so much death and sorrow at Greentree Manor and have become close with some of these elderly people and I know when they passed they would be at peace with no more pain and worry. And believe me my girls I to am so sad to see my Mom like this . My Mom was the best Mom ever and I have such good memories and will miss her more than you could EVER imagine. I just love her so much and I struggle and just be with her and hope I am there when she takes her last breath. We are born, we live our lives and then we pass, reality that is hard but by the grace of God I will get through this and hopefully live the rest of my life knowing Nonee is at peace and with her Father in Heaven with Her Mom, my brother, your Dad and they are all reunited with no pain and happy to see one another again in a Heavenly existence. Love you all Auntie Doobilicious! XXXXXXXOOOOOOO

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