I am the gong

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As time has passed I’ve gotten better at going longer periods of time 

Between falling apart but the incisions that slice me are sharper and more precise

Much like the roots of a tree compared to its heights 

I don’t carry it well, I just ignore it better

I feel like a banging gong, 

shouting the same obnoxious song 

-but I can’t 

-Let 

-Go

And I will never let go. 

My birthday is coming and I just can’t accept any love

I’m debating between scary things and I know they’re all wrong 

I’m just so black inside with pent up pain 

‘Happy birthday Squishy!’ is what I can’t stop playing in my head 

I don’t know what the next step is 

I’ve been stuck here for so long …

I don’t know which direction to move to 

I don’t even know how to live from here on

And it’s constant yet evanescent

Black muck drips off me in large dollops onto the floor 

The unknown and confusion tangible splatter in my hand

-and

I’m still blind as ever 

I’m just waiting for the healing

I’m leaking from my heart 

I just want my father back

Crimson Grasp

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 I had a rough day yesterday, a rough week before that, a rough couple of months before that, and these past few years have been…Rough.
Expressing myself through writing, drawing, and photography was my release. I feel as though I’ve let that part of myself become dusty. 

I was thinking today about how media makes life so busy these days and it causes the days to go by in record time. 

I NEED time to slow down. I need to take a step back. Because when time goes quickly it feels like the rough times stack quicker and there’s no good in between but I know that’s a lie. 

I contemplated about a few ppl I don’t get along with. How if it weren’t for social media and for us sharing our lives like open-faced journals maybe is have them as friends…I probably would. 

I think I’ll step back from that too. 

I looked at a tree today and it was much more beautiful than the cat memes I see in my feed, the leaves sounded lovelier than the Facebook rants I hear, the decomposing leaves and acorns smell nicer than me being locked in my stale room. 

The beauty around us is something I want us ALL to focus more on. We’ll never rid the commonalities of modern day but we can incorporate more of what is growing, what is living, and what is important to us individually. 

…I want to love people like my eyes love to drink in these Japanese maple leaves

Seasons of beings

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Every year our fruits form, ripen, shrivel and fall off. Not always at the same time, not even always every season, and sometimes not at all. 

A year ago I had a friend I would lose…a year ago I hadn’t known of a friend I would gain. 

365 days ago I was still going through open heart surgery of the emotional sense with my divorce still pending court approval. 

-what a long way I’ve come. 

I sit here and think about the friend I’d lost, who stabbed me in the back and that I’m better off without. 

The friend I’ve gained that has helped me to not only find financial solace but stability. Who in her own life is dealing with a season change. 

And the man that has swooped me up into his arms and pumped life into me when I was at my ending. 

I sit here on a beautiful autumn day thinking last year and the last two years before I didn’t even know I’d be alive to this point. 

This season is soon changing as well, the weather is getting cooler. The leaves are getting crispier, and my blood is pumping faster. 

I’m loosing and gaining more people I love as the path broadens but I’m okay with that. 

…I now understand it’s all in seasons

Decisions

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There are things we have to do in life, things that are hard. No matter how tough, sticky and painful they are, we must do them.
And then there are things in life we DON’T have to do. …. Which essentially is everything.
You don’t HAVE to do anything at all you don’t want to. There are consequences but ultimately you don’t have to do them.
‘oh but I have to pay my property taxes’
‘these kids aren’t going to take care of themselves’
‘how else will these bills get paid?’

If you truly don’t want to do it put one foot in front of another until you’re away, far away.
Just understand that the effect it carries is one you can live with.

A s-MASH-ing surprise for someone sorta kinda special

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It is a difficult thing to find honest happiness but when you do find it, it’s like a shot of honey after a mouthful of salt with a cut tongue… soothing and sweet.
This new guy, who’s not so new but an old… Old ancient friend, has been my honey. He’s soothed so much of my pain. He’s bridged me over a lot of suffering.

April 10th I decided to throw him a surprise party… Although it was stressful to have so many ppl keep the surprise it was well worth it.

I also made the most amazing cake…
Double layer cornbread cake with mashed potato frosting, drizzled in gravy, topped with fried chicken.

There were friends, family and lots of food… It was great…

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A kimono, some Japanese teens and a man that will melt your heart

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This year I’ve gone to more concerts than ever before!
The best thing about it was i was able to see 2 of my favorite Japanese artists, Wagakki Band and Babymetal. Last night I saw
Joe Bonamossa, who is also not very known.

It was REALLY thrilling seeing people with amazing skills that are not very known, display their talents.

Wagakki Band is a blend of traditional Japanese instruments blended with modern western instruments covering Vocaloid with original songs as well. They were my favorite concert I’d ever been to. It was beautiful and Yuko sounded like an angel. They even did a sword show in the middle of the concert! It was honto sugoi!!!

Listen to wagakki band here.

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Babymetal is an original mixture of adorable Japanese teens sweetly headbanging in pigtails and singing to thrashing guitar and drums. There are exactly their name; Babymetal. They are slightly more known but still not huge. It was at an intimate enough venue at the house of blues in Boston. They are absolutely different than what you’d expect.

Check out Babymetal here (best song and video, lyrics are serious too. Translation here)

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Blues IS Joe Bonamossa. Honest man making an honest blues album, ALL soul. His voice will absolutely amaze you. Also not well known, Joe released an album 5 weeks ago and it made it to #5 on the billboard charts which is amazing since it is all superstars then good ole Joe that no one’s ever heard of. As he put it, “I can imagine those superstars [Rihanna, Adele, Bieber…] waking up on their mattress made of money, walking downstairs in their mansion, picking up their issue of the charts and saying ‘who the fuck is Joe Bonamossa!?’…”
He swapped out over 10 guitars for the concert plucking the strings with heartache, his voice was like warm milk chocolate pouring over your naked body.

Fall in love with Joe here (vocals start At about 2:20)

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Update on me

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A lot has happened in my life since last October.
I have a better job, I have new roommates and the biggest change is…. I’m officially divorced.
Life throws lemons at you. I tried to make lemonade but if the other person in the kitchen is trying to toss those lemons in their meatloaf things get difficult…. Bad metaphor, I know.
I’m just saying I tried the best I could but here we are.
Regardless I’m happier than ever and busier than ever. I’ve remodeled an entire room, and got a “60 tv. And a LOT of ice cream.
I think I’ll be okay.
Life is still hard. Not wanting babies is the equivalent of being a Siamese twin survivor. Ppl look for my second head and are confused.
Being with someone that for so long had my same baby views makes it difficult when you’re out in the world and others don’t share that view. But i guess it’s like being vegan while living in America, you get judged no matter what.
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I need to put up the full ‘after’ photos.
I’m so proud I did this myself.